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What happens when you want to ask a friend out on a date,
but you're scared you'll hear, "No, thanks"? What
can you do when potential mates think of you less like a lover
and more like a brother? This time out, we address the issue
of what happens when you're perceived to be more fit for friendship
than dating.
It all started with a letter from a Tools reader named Max,
who wrote:
What can you do when women--all women--seem to think of you
as nothing more than a friend? I mean, being friends is good,
but I'd like to get into a relationship at *some* point in
my life...
First of all, Max, don't be too hard on yourself. Being 'just
friends' is an all too common problem these days when, more
than ever, fewer people actually go out on dates, opting instead
simply to 'hang out,' pick up a coffee, or take in a movie,
all the while acting as if there's no date happening. The
line between dating and just hanging around is blurry--and
that's where your dilemma starts.
When You Become Like a Brother To Her
Have you ever noticed that friends often don't arouse strong
romantic feelings in some of us? They may seem perfect in
all sorts of ways: funny, great to be around, smart, trustworthy,
similar, and familiar. But no matter how hard we try, they
just don't arouse strong romantic feeling in us? This is what
I'd like to call the Brother Phenomenon, as when women say
to you, "Oh. I could never go out with you--you're like
a brother to me." And you know what happens when you
go out with your brother. Taboo city. Maybe this is why women
can't seem to get past the friendship phase with you.
I think this phenomenon occurs because people linger too
long in the getting-to-know- you phase, without getting clear
right away about whether their time together are 'real dates'
or 'just hanging out.' Haven't you ever felt the initial rush
of interest for a new friend, but then suppressed those feelings
because you thought that she didn't act interested? But it
could be that she felt passion for you, way back when you
first started hanging out. You just couldn't see it. Time
passed, and now you're like a brother to her. She's known
you so long--as nothing more than a friend--and you're no
longer romantically exciting. Get the picture?
Get Out of the Rut--Fast
So what can you do to stop becoming a brother and start being
a lover? Don't dawdle too long at the friendship stage. If
your friend has any romantic feelings for you at all, you'll
have to take advantage of the window of opportunity. Ask early,
or be prepared to miss the chance.
Picking the right time is essential: somewhere after the
"getting to know you" stage but before she starts
telling you about all the men she's really interested in.
When she starts confiding, "I had an awful date last
night," be ready to step in right away, and tell her
how you feel about her. Making the switch from friends to
lovers isn't easy. You might not be up to the challenge since
it is risky. What if you lose the relationship entirely? That
might happen.
But if yours is a good friendship, it will survive. And don't
the potential gains outweigh the risks? Just do it. Otherwise,
you'll always be stuck as a brother, wishing the man she dates
were you.
Check out One
and Only or AltMatch
and meet that someone special!
(c) 1999 OneandOnly.com Inc. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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